Repeat after me: Fit and flatter.

Today, this blog is the vessel that will contain my Rant of the Day. Call me a CRAZY PERSON, but I am under the belief that clothing should flatter the body of the person wearing it. GASP!!! Flatter??? Yes, my pupils. Flatter.

This means that if you weigh 200 pounds, skinny jeans will NOT in fact make you look like Kate Moss, but like kilbasa sausage squeezed into lamb membranes. If you weigh 90 lbs. soaking wet, super wide-leg pants will not make you look like a Gap model, but rather like a malnourished child going to their first rave, circa 1999. Step away from the glowsticks.

The girl in the left of this picture is Karla Deras. She was featured in a recent Lucky magazine as “Guest Blogger of the Month” for her “outstanding” fashion blog Karla’s Closet I was scrolling through the photos on Karla’s Closet, jealously sighing… “Wow, I guess she does have a pretty nice blog”. At that very moment, my wonderful, I-cannot-tell-a-lie husband interrupts, “Those clothes are HIDEOUS. No one actually wears things like that. You should write a blog about THAT… how no one wears that crap!”

So I did. Thanks, Husby!

Now, I’m not bagging on Karla just because she has a job that I would give my left kidney for, and possibly my right one as well… I simply feel that she is breaking my number one rule: fashion should flatter the body.

The truth? In this photo, Karla looks like Dick van Dyke as Bert in Mary Poppins, where he sags his pants down to his knees and does a dance “a la barbershop quartet” with four cartoon penguins. I’m just waiting for this girl to jump out of the photo with a cane and a straw hat… “Oh it’s a jolly ‘oliday with Marrryyyy…”

I DON’T CARE if her pants are Vero Moda, or if similar styles were seen in recent runway shows. Normal people do not wear 90% of the items that come down the runway in haute couture designer shows. Why? Because those garments are wacky pieces of modern art meant to be worn by people who A) are so wealthy they will drop 20 thou simply because it’s by Lagerfeld, B) just want attention or C) are out of their freakin’ minds. Or if you’re Lady Gaga, all of the above.

Life according to Miriam: REAL fashion makes women look like women, and men look like men. I don’t want to see people in outfits that make them look like androgynous hermaphrodites whose sex you cannot determine. That goes for men AND women!

Let’s take a look at Miss Victoria’s Secret model on the right. Yes, I KNOW…. “Miriam, why did you have to choose some tall, skinny VS model to prove your point?” Listen, ALL I am trying to show is that this woman is wearing pants that flatter her figure. Are boot-cut pants the hot item of the season? Actually, no. But she’s wearing them, because they look fantastic on her. Okay, she’s wearing them because she got paid to. But they DO look fantastic on her. Guys, am I right? Girls? Bueller?

I am not in any way trying to stifle the glorious creativity that fuels the fashion industry. Fashion IS art. I love that about it. There will always be the Lady Gagas and Betsey Johnsons of the world displaying themselves as human canvases. But I say, for the average, sane folk like us: ignore ridiculous trends, stay classic, wear what flatters YOUR body. People will take you more seriously. And I welcome you nay-sayers to speak your minds in protest. 🙂

Love you darlings! ♥ ♥

~ Mir


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