Buy This, Not That.

Items: Chloe Chain Flower Flat, Silvia Fiorentina Rosette Wedge
Found: Bergdorf Goodman Shoe Salon
Prices: Chloe Flat – $495.00, Silvia Flat – $655.00
Rating: Hot out of 10, Horrendous out of 10

I’d like to begin by apologizing for the length of this post. For those of you brave enough to comment that you read all the way through, I promise that when I am wealthy I will have t-shirts made that say “I Survived Miriam’s Inability to Shut-up and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt.” (Eric, you don’t have to read the blog – you automatically win a lifetime supply of these shirts.)

This blog is entitled “Buy This, Not That” (which is, incidentally, a great idea for a series of blogs! *strokes chin*). I frequent the online shoe departments of many high-end stores – especially at the start of spring and fall, when designers launch their new lines. Bergdorf Goodman is where I came across these two specimens: Both flats. Both nude. Both embellished with a single flower. Yet somehow they manage to be about as similar as Chuck Norris and Clay Aiken.

Specimen 1: Chloe Flat (pictured left)

Let’s take a little trip into the shoe-loving mind of Miriam Bernard: 1. Heels – If I could wear a different pair every day for the rest of my life, I would. Someday, I plan to. For now I rotate between about 42 pairs. I would say that I love them all the same, but I definitely play favorites. 2. Flats – I own roughly 10 pairs of flats. I wear only one. When I find that one pair of perfect flats, they become the equivalent of house slippers. They go with everything – and even if they don’t, I MAKE them go with everything.

First, it was a black satin pair with rainbow-ish embroidery. Got ‘em at Ross in college. I wore those suckers every day for a year I’d bet. I still have them. ☺ Then it was this white faux-leather pair with a gold chain across the toe. I debated even buying them at the shop, thinking I wouldn’t wear them. However, upon discovering they were five bucks, I decided that even if I wore them once, they’d be worth it. Well, it turns out those little guys took me all over town, all over New York, and I wore the soles so thin that I now feel barefoot when I wear them. Not to mention they are now gray. Most recently, it was my navy Tory Burch knock-offs which have been spoken of in many a blog posting. They now have gaping holes large enough to poke my finger through, and that is all I will say before I get emotional.

So, if I had $500 buckaroonies to blow at this moment, these nude Chloes would be my next “uniform” flat. Obviously, nude goes with everything (That’s what she said. LOL.), but the little flower made out of a chain is just so darling in an ironic sort of way. That shoe would go with a dress, with jeans, shorts, LITERALLY everything. Versatility, man. You can’t top it.

Specimen 2: Silvia Fiorentina Flat (Pictured right)

Let me start by saying, I might be 23 and love fashion, but I am not one of those trendy OC fashionistas who sneers at anyone not wearing a Juicy Couture track suit. In fact, I don’t even like words with –ista at the end of them, and I don’t even like track suits. I have been to my fair share of nursing homes and I see what those sweet ladies wear. But I promise you, no 95 year old woman I have EVER seen has been wearing a shoe this terrible.

Here is my only rationalization for the reason this shoe exists:
Once upon a time, Silvia Fiorentina had broken her leg. One day, she sat at her drafting table at 4:52pm, with “designer’s block”, and her dazed stare caused her eyes to fall on the crutches propped up against the wall. She saw that nude-colored pad on the top of the crutch, and SUDDENLY, like MAGIC, that crutch pad morphed into a shoe. It was either the shot of espresso or the crack she had snorted in the bathroom a few hours prior, but there it was nonetheless. “GENIUS!” she exclaimed. “But… would anyone wear it?? Ahh, it’s 5pm. What the hay….” *scribble scribble scribble*. She adjusted her bifocals and looked at her sketch. Too plain. 4:59pm. Silvia scribbled a rosette on top of the crutch pad shoe. She placed her pencil in the pencil holder, set her design in the “manufacture” tray, with a note on the page that said “Send to Bergdorf”. She picked up her quilted Chanel bag and went home. The End.

What a sad day that was.

This has been a dual blog of both “Things I Want But Can’t Afford” and “Things I Would Not Be Caught Dead In, Even If Someone Paid Me One Million Dollars”. Ciao!

Love, Miriam

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