Stop Sandwiching!!

Funny stories of yesteryear – Part 1

I wrote this blog post many moons ago on Myspace. I hope it is enjoyed as much today as it was four years ago!

Written July 22, 2005

Those of you who know me, know how I feel about beds. I adore them. I worship them. Sleep, I can take it or leave it, but BEDS. They are fantastic. They are a gift. They are proof that God loves us. Last night I was strolling through the “Parade of Products” at the Orange County fair with my family and I stopped in front of the “Comfort-Pedic” bed exhibit to see what was with all the hype about foam beds. The salesman beckoned my sister and I over to come try out one of his beds. We decided to give the famous “memory foam” a try.

Well I laid down, and all thoughts left my mind. The room went dark and the heavens opened up. THIS BED was so glorious, I wanted to live and die in it. I cannot even express the comfort I was experiencing while lying in this bed!

Then the salesman spoke up. “Girls, it’s much more than just a comfortable bed. It has a voice-activated support system that raises and lowers your head or feet for added comfort! Just say ‘Up’.”… “UP!!!” we said at the same time, and the head of the bed started to lift. Then the man said, “Now say ‘Feet Up’.” “FEET UP!!!” we yelled, and the feet started to raise.

A heavenly comfortable bed, AND it has a brain! “But that’s not all…” the man said, in true informercial fashion. “Say ‘Vibrate'”. Marj and I looked at each other, no way is there a back massager in this bed! So we yelled “Vibrate!” and it started to massage our backs. At this point I’m thinking of ways to tell people that I must stay in bed at all times. THIS BED to be exact. “I lost my ability to walk in a freak accident… I’m allergic to floors…I have a very rare disease where I must always be in a Comfort-pedic bed…”

After about 20 minutes of giving orders to this bed and it submissively obeying EVERY time, the blessed salesman spoke again. “Oh I forgot to tell you,” he said,  (what, does it make Pizzas too?) “when you say ‘sandwich’ both sides of the bed start to rise at the same time!” Hmmm…  “Sandwich?” I thought. “The bed answers to the word ‘sandwich’? Who on earth would WANT the bed to fold up on them?” But due to my utter curiosity, we had to say it… “SANDWICH!” we yelled. Just as promised, both ends of the bed began to rise. And rise and rise and… FREAK! I’m getting totally squished in this bed! (Let’s keep in mind that this is at the fair in plain view of everyone around.) We began to panic that the bed would not stop raising so we looked at the salesman with fear in our eyes. He worriedly said, “It will keep raising until you tell it ‘Stop Sandwiching’!” So me and Marj are frantically trying to wiggle out of this bed and begin yelling “STOP SANDWICHING! STOP SANDWICHING!”

The bed stopped with a jolt, now we are folded in the bed with our mouths at our knees looking helpless. We’re thinking, “Gosh, this is the bed from hell!” Finally, we look over at the salesman who is laughing hysterically and HOLDING THE REMOTE IN HIS HAND.

The bed was NOT a voice-activated bed. It was a jerk-activated bed! So my sister and I were in the middle of the fair shouting, “STOP SANDWICHING!” at a completely innocent bed, while this crazed salesman is squishing us to death in his merchandise. I have never felt so stupid in my whole life. I was actually relieved that this otherwise heavenly bed, would not actually “Sandwich” on me in real life. I mean, what if I started sleep talking about lunch and happened to mention a sandwich?  I’d be dead by morning!

So, I do still love the bed, now that I know it’s not of the devil. I will be starting “The Miriam Tavis Comfortfoambedititis Disease Foundation” so if you’re feeling generous, please make a donation… considering this bed costs as much as my freakin’ car!


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