Oh Yes He Did!

Clinton freakin Kelly. My love affair with this tall, impeccably-dressed gay man began at the unsuspecting young age of 17. My television-watching life was turned upside-down at the creation of a truly brilliant show called What Not To Wear. Back then and still to this day – Clinton Kelly and Stacy London are changing the world one pathetic wardrobe at a time. Like the Billy Grahams of the fashion industry, this dynamic duo aims to grip the mom-jean wearing souls of the television viewing public, and prompt somebody to go out and buy a dark-wash boot cut jean already.

Then – in a thrilling twist – Clinton wrote a book. It was called Freakin’ Fabulous, and to this day it is one of the most hysterical pieces of literature I have ever read. He is the posh yet down-to-earth friend we all wish to have. I feel like I know him. Sometimes I imagine running into him at the J. Crew in downtown Pasadena and smiling, then telling him how I love his argyle sweater and velour blazer.  Then I comment on that lady’s taper leg, acid wash jeans, and he asks if I want to get a drink at Mi Piace and as I make him laugh with my witty banter, we become instant friends and text each other pictures of outfits that make us want to sob uncontrollably.

So, you could imagine that when I was at Border’s yesterday and saw Clinton’s NEW BOOK – Oh No She Didn’t! (which I didn’t even KNOW he wrote! Some fan I am…..) that I gleefully clicked my heels all the way to the fashion section, which is, incidentally, the only section I visit whilst at Borders. DUH. Winning.

This new book is a tribute to 100 fashion faux pas that Clinton, and naturally myself, find completely deplorable. The attractive feature to this book is not only the SPOT ON critiques of the worst side of fashion, but it is delivered in Clinton’s signature burst-out-laughing-in-public-and-everyone-stares-at-you style.

Take, for instance, this excerpt from the introduction:

“Still I continue on my mission to make America a more beautiful place. I’m like that Native American dude from the commercial who cries when he sees people litter. Except, I’m not crying. It’s more like I laughing at you. In fact, he’s laughing at you too. We’re having gin and tonics right now, and I was just telling him that your outfit was revolting. And you know what he said?

And how.

And how! Couldn’t you just die? I almost peed my pants a little.”

Now – as if this blog post isn’t ALREADY long enoughhhh (aka shut up, Miriam, no one is as obsessed with Clinton Kelly as you are) I am going to post three of what I consider to be fashion’s biggest no-nos. May I point out that while these may potentially be in Clinty’s book, that I only read the first ten of the 100 faux pas and did not see these in there yet. That means I’m NOT copying him!!!

1.       VPL

Visible Panty Line is among the worst offenses in the ancient book of Fashion Rules. Young, old, it surpasses all boundaries. Here’s the deal: wear a thong. If you don’t like thongs, no biggie – wear seamless underwear.  Don’t say, “But I wear jeans, so the panty line doesn’t show!” WRONG. Double wrong. It still shows. Case in point:

2.       Over-Accessorizing

Don’t feel the need to pile on every accessory or pattern you own. People will become dizzy upon looking at you. Choose one bold piece to focus on – two max if you’re a risk-taker.  Then people’s eyes will be drawn to the one pretty piece you’re wearing instead of feeling fashion schizophrenia (I got that word right on the first try! Spelling win!)

3.       Sloppy Sally

Nobody likes a Sloppy Sally. Take Ms. Spears here… She is sending people the message that she doesn’t care about herself or her life. This doesn’t mean you need to put on a heels and pearls every time you run out to the market (though I find it to be tons of fun!) but give the world the courtesy of putting on real clothes and you get bonus points if they fit.

I can’t wait to buy my pal Clinton’s new book and laugh the day away. If you have extra clams in your pocketbook and feel like picking me up a copy, allow me to make this task as convenient as possible by posting the link to Amazon HERE.

Love you bunchie-punchies.


~ Mir


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lucy McConville
    Mar 22, 2011 @ 07:21:41

    When is YOUR book coming out? That is the question *I* want answered!


  2. kathryn levy
    Mar 23, 2011 @ 13:52:45

    i love you dahling, and i wish you good luck on the new book !!!


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