10 Couples You Didn’t Know You’ve Dated

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YOU DID IT! You’ve found “the one” – that special person who will be by your side forever. The peanut butter to your jelly. The macaroni to your cheese.  You’ll never be lonely again! Or will you?

Three years in, you’re sitting on a bench outside of a PF Changs on Friday night date night, spinning the buzzer back and forth between your fingers, and there it is: a flutter of a feeling. Loneliness.  Yes, yes, you’re here with your spouse on a date, but you realize that sometimes you don’t want just “a date” sometimes you want…… dun dun DUNNNN: A DOUBLE DATE.
Then comes the million dollar question: Who to choose? How do you know which of your friends will provide you with optimal super fun times and minimal cringe-worthy awkwardness?  This is going to take some serious poring over your phone list and Facebook friends to figure out who would be good candidates. After all, these people are going to need to be fun-loving, chill, enjoy the same types of things you do, as COOL as you (which, let’s be honest, is tough)….. and then, the blood drains from your face as reality hits you. THIS IS DATING. And it’s back with a vengeance.

You thought you were through with that cruel ritual forever, but just like that, it has reared its ugly head in your life, and it’s wearing a facial expression that screams, “NANNER NANNER NANNER.”

Like the search for true love, couple dating, when successful, yields high rewards. You end up with life-long friends who become the Monica and Chandler to your Ross and Rachel. But when it doesn’t work out…. Well, you get these 10 runners up.

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1.The Eager Beavers: You’ve hung out exactly one time, and yet this couple is now convinced you’re all soul mates. They are incredibly adept at getting a hold of you through every possible mode of communication. Who sends snail mail these days? And how did they even get your land line number? Only problem is, whatever fairy dust got sprinkled on them during your hang, somehow missed you, and you’re just not feeling it. Maybe it was his deer-in-the-headlights response to your comment about Boehner’s resignation, or her mention of never having missed a single Carly Rae Jepsen concert, but you’re less than enchanted. And even though you’re probably on their speed dial, there’s a good chance they’re on your blocked callers list. Sorry ’bout it.

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2. The Unreachables: He wears vintage Levis and Herschel backpacks, and she can quote The Big Lebowski even more accurately than you can. He has hook-ups to free Ducks tickets, and she could match you Old Fashioned for Old Fashioned. You adore these people, and always have the best time…. that is, when you see them once a year at that one party. Otherwise, they’re literally never available. Between their constant trips to Portland and BVI, going to everyone’s parties and all around living a bad ass life, it seems they just don’t have time to make dates with you. You’re out of your element, Donny. Note: To this couple, there’s a chance you’re the Eager Beaver.

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3. The Lopside: This is a situation in which either the husbands OR the wives get along incredibly well, but definitely not both. Depending on which side of the lopside you’re on – this is usually identifiable by: A. laughing so hard over your mutual disdain for Donald Trump that your sides ache, or B. by talking about today’s weather, tomorrow’s weather, yesterday’s weather and Canada’s weather so extensively, you begin glancing down at your fork and repressing the urge to stab yourself in the eyeball. How long have we been here, anyway, three hours? Oh. 17 minutes. Right.

4. The Lopside – Old-timers Edition: One half of the group has been friends FOREVER. The spouses of those forever friends now have to orchestrate a friendship out of thin air, while the lifelong pals are already waist deep in high school inside jokes and bagging on that one teacher who walked with a limp. It’s going to be a few hours before they even come up for air and remember the two of you exist. Again, get really comfortable discussing the intricacies of the weather. Maybe brush up on your understanding of meteorology in advance this time, because chances of getting your conversation past the low-pressure system moving in are slim to none. Also, whiskey. Find some whiskey.

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5. The Would-Have-Been Best Friends: This is a couple with whom you get along incredibly well, but life has cruelly put you at opposite ends of the country, so that occasional witty text messages and the bi-yearly overnight visit are all you get to keep your friendship going. 60% of your conversations over Facebook and text consist of discussing how great life would be “if not for that pesky continental United States in the way”. You consider a Skype date, then shoot it down because, well, you’re just not that pathetic. You’ll just have to wait for the dawn of teleportation.

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6. The Inebriates: You’ve just shut the car door, and you’re already wondering why there isn’t a drink in each hand. Hour one: How much longer must we endure his near-constant South Park references and Cartman impressions while wifey laughs like a lunatic, pretending she hasn’t heard them a THOUSAND times? What is this drink, anyway? Vodka Redbull? Next time just hold the Redbull. Hour two: Well, this is slightly more comfortable. I can deal with Kenny McCormick over cheesy chicken casserole and wine. This isn’t so bad after all. Hour three: Dang, these people are FUN!! I haven’t laughed this hard in days. Cartman is a highly underrated player in the comedy world. And that impression really is SPOT ON. Huor four: Hahaaaaaaaa South Park really is DUH. BEST. SHOW. You know wut? You guys are my bessssss frennnnnss. I love you guys. No, really. I LOVE YOU. I luv youuuuu.

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7. The Carbon Copies: You can’t help but notice how this couple has been to all the same places you have, likes the same things you like, and wait, the last time you were over, did they have that tin of your very favorite tea? Or did they…. buy that for your visit? Did you previously mention enchiladas are your favorite, or are they lucky guessers? But seriously, why are all our outfits matching? Is that a picture of us on your mantle? This is just getting creepy.

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8. The Bait and Switch: Upon first meeting this couple, you think: THIS IS IT. This is the perfect couple! You make plans, and hold off expressing your undying love and devotion, for fear of being creepy. Then, upon your first official double date, you find out that she is president of the local chapter of the dog sweater knitting club, and the “league” he previously referenced is actually a weekend LARPing league in a nearby park. He also once won a contest for armpit farting. Back to the drawing board.

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9. The One Uppers: “Where’d you eat last week? Perch LA? Oh, we know all the bartenders there. You should come with US next time.” “You’re getting into Madewell bags? I just bought their newest line! Do you want my old one?” “It’s so funny you mentioned the Civil Wars album that comes out tomorrow. That’s what’s playing in the house right now!” “Oh, so you’re planning a trip to Paris? How cute! On our fourth trip there, we discovered the most perfect little café that you MUST try.” No matter what you bring up, this couple has already been there, done that and is ready to throw it in your face to make you feel like the least cool person on the planet. Have fun!

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10. The Doting Parents: This may be a couple you knew before parenthood and things were going really well – until their bundle of joy arrived. This also may be a couple who already had kids, but you first met them at a non-kid event where they were able to wear real clothes and drink real beverages, so they were able to mask their true selves. You don’t have any offspring, so you’re on different continents, but maybe things will all be okay? Let’s just do it. Things will be great. “Ding dong!” “Hey guys, welcome!”  “Hi! Wow, your house is so pretty. I love that staircase.” “Thanks! Yeahhh, we had to put that railing in because Jack is just SUCH a little escape artist. He just goes straight for them every time! He pulls his little self up one by one, and BAM! He’s at the top! Did you know that 143 child deaths occur every year due to unsafe staircases? Yep. Babies just falling left and right. It’s terrifying. The second we heard that we just knew: ‘RAILING TIME!’ Heh heh. Yeah, no way he’s falling down those things now! Well, unless he falls backward of course. Or forward, if that’s possible. Or sticks his head through the bars, GOD FORBID. ‘Honey! I think we need to carpet the stairs, and get a different railing without bars, and add an inflatable cushion at the bottom! It’s a small price to pay for our little Jack Hammer!’ Anyway, what were we saying? Oh right, babies. So anyway, Jack began crawling around 7 months, did you know that’s 22% earlier than most children? I don’t know, maybe he’s just meant to be in the Olympics. Babies babies babies…. babies BABIES! Babies? Babies!!!”  Mission failed.

Of course, every once in a while, you come across that couple who gets you in every way, and it makes these other ten totally worth it.

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The Go-Tos: You’ve never left their house before 1am. You take turns grabbing the bill at the restaurant because there’s always a next time, and they’ll just get you back. One stray Tupac song can turn into a three-hour deejay battle dance party of 90s hip hop, complete with a twerking contest that makes you have to run to the bathroom because you’re actually going to pee on yourself from laughing so hard. You collect empty wine bottles. You can just as easily discuss theology and humanity with tears in your eyes as you can bust up over that lady’s outfit. They love food like you do, they love the TV shows you do, and they love YOU like you love them. They even wake you up and put you to bed when you’ve fallen asleep on the toilet trying to pull off a full day at work, a full night out, and multiple cocktails and you just couldn’t rally. You can watch the movie Wedding Crashers innumerable times and no one ever gets sick of it. You fight or argue when you drink, but you hug it out in the end. You vacation together, road trip together, wine taste together, quote Sideways together and do the mundane together and it’s all perfect. Your Go-Tos – they make all the couple dating hilarity worth it.

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