Save your money. Buy it at the thrift store.

My dear comrades, I am always here for you. You know this. That is why I bring you all my latest fashion news whenever I’m in the mood  in a very timely manner. Tonight, I feel it urgent to tell you a morsel of news that cannot wait even another SECOND!!

The fashion industry is robbing you. Takin’ your money right out of your pockets I tell ya!!! There is information that those greedy fashion big whigs are not telling you! And I’m gonna let the cat out of the bag right now, because the injustice cannot continue!

There are certain, very specific styles of clothing that are being sold on the world wide web TODAY, for a very pretty penny I might add, that you do not need to spend large amounts of money on!

This is particularly good news if you are:

a. A person who frequents the stores Urban Outiftters and/or American Apparel

b. A person over the age of forty who finds it appropriate to continue dressing in the clothing that was popular when you were a teenager.

You see, I go to thrift stores. A LOT. I know their merchandise like the produce man knows his cantaloupes. Whether you are from Albany or Austin, Yonkers or Yorba Linda – every thrift store you walk in will carry some guaranteed specific styles. I like to call them: Outdated Clothes People Often Give To Charity or, OCPOGTCs.

So, because I love ya so darn much, I have compiled ten photos of clothing articles for sale right now on popular websites, that I can nearly guarantee you will find at any given Goodwill on any given day. If you find yourself wanting to repel the opposite sex look like the below photos, stopping paying high prices and start thrifting! Note the price of each item and then consider that the average thrift store item costs $5. Can somebody say SAVINGS?! Last detail before the big reveal: I’m excited to feature men’s apparel in my blog for the first time! Because the ladies of the world should not be the only ones reaping the thrift store benefits! Without further ado, I present to you: The OCPOGTCs of the internets.

Stella McCartney Mid-length Denim Skirt $515.00 net-a-porter.com

Have you ever seen that AT&T commercial where the whole United States gets covered in orange fabric? Well, let me just say that if you took the bright blue denim out of every thrift store in the nation, you’d have enough to go from Mexico City to the friggin CanadianYukon Territory. Find this skirt at a second-hand shop, and you will not only save FIVE HUNDRED AND TEN DOLLLARRRRRS, but you’ll have your pick of short, medium, long, extra long, acid wash, soft, itchy, culottes, wrap-around or any other style you can dream up.

Urban Renewal Silk Shirt $39.99

Urban Outfitters is the go-to spot for clothing that looks thrifted, but costs an arm and a leg. Why do you let them defile you so? Stick it to the man and find this oversized shirt, in a variety of colors and patterns at your neighborhood Salvation Army.

Crumpet Cropped Cardigan $395 net-a-porter.com

In the market for a sad beige cardigan? Don’t search net-a-porter.com when you can get a far more original recycled version at the Goodwill – your frumpy cardigan headquarters!

American Apparel Floral Full-Length Skirt $58.00

I learned something new about fashion today. YES! Even Miriam learns new tidbits on occasion. Today, I learned this outfit is available somewhere BESIDES the Goodwill!!! All this time, I’ve been thinking my favorite shopping destination is the ONLY place one can find such gems, but NO! American Apparel, it would seem, is also a propellant of the hot trend – Single Middle-aged Southern-Baptist Women of 1983! So glad to know this.

American Apparel Sleevless Lawn Button Up $48.00

Boobs are out. Arms are in. Take note. Get the look at your local consignment shop.

Urban Renewal Maxi Dress $59.00

If you’re interested in guest starring on Blossom or Full House, then by all means, save the money on your outfit. You’ll need all the clams you can get to invest in your time machine. To get you started on that, I’ve found a Delorean available for purchase on eBay motors. Click here.  You’re welcome.

Urban Renewal Vintage Corduroy Blazer $14.99

For my transition from womens wear into menswear, I’d like to feature this cunning blazer. Regardless of your sex, donning a blazer always means the good times are a comin! Take a look at this cute girl, for instance. Even though you can’t see her face, I’m pretty sure she’s probably bawling her eyes out incredibly happy! How bout the audacity of this Urban Renewal brand, huh? I think they might actually be taking their merchandise from actual thrift stores and selling them to unsuspecting Urban Outfitters patrons!!! To which I say, WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THA….. I MEAN, how dishonest and just plain WRONG!

Urban Renewal Men's Satin Bomber Jacket $39.99

And now for a few stylish men’s choices. Gents, I know how you like to be frugal – so let me brighten your day by saying that not only can you get your bomber jacket shimmer on at the thrift store, usually their bomber jackets include some obscure embroidered logo like:




or


You hipster you!

Everyone and their step-sister is wearing plaid these days, however, not all plaids are created equal. Some plaids say, “I’m a part-time lumberjack, and a full-time lover” others say “I like, shop at PacSun because I’m like, soooo from California!”. Or, if you’re the boy in this picture, your plaid says “I do all my shopping at Costco, and accept no less than the Kirkland brand for all my clothing.” Regardless of your “plaid persona”, the plaid at thrift stores is as abundant as the botox in Joan Rivers’ face.

Stussy Vintage Reggae Dot Tee $28.00

If you frequent surf shops, VW vans, oceans, or dumpsters, stop spending money to buy a tee that’s meant to “look” vintage and go with ACTUAL vintage, dude! Besides, Dudette Earth loves it when we recycle. Coocoocachoo you’ll find your way back to the big old blue!

So there they are. The OCPOGTCs. You were sinking in a world of expensive fake-thrifted merchandise and I just threw you a life raft. Grab hold of it and drown no more.

Oh, one more small detail. No biggie, but, in addition to the above styles, thrift stores also feature of-the-moment clothing that I have procured copious amounts of over the years. Banana Republic, J. Crew, Diane von Furstenburg, BCBG, Anna Sui, Guess, Lucky, Seven and Ann Taylor are just a few examples. However, unlike the items featured in this blog, I cannot guarantee the discovery of such items. Unless you shop with me personally, that is. 😉

Get out there and find some killer deals, MirReflectors!!!

Ciao!
~ Mir

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A very bad boot.

Item: Gathered Velvet Boot

Cost: $24.00 Found: gojane.com Rating: -5 out of 10

Gojane.com – where did you go wrong?!? So many of the items on your website are adorable! How could you go and infiltrate your site with this hideous boot?! The only two people who I can guess would wear this boot are Cruella De Ville or a pimp. Neither of which will ever be remembered for their stellar fashion sense.

Ladies and gentlemen, the previous blog posting was an example of a good boot. This is an example of a bad very very BAD boot. Purple velvet?? Suuuuper pointy toe?? Gathered at the top?? Scrunchy fabric?? Little peg heel?? The horrid ANGLE at which this photo was taken??

Never. Do not. Don’t ever. Ever ever ever ever.

~ Mir

The Foot Shoe – Wear Responsibly.

Item: Vibram Five Fingers Foot Shoe

Found: http://www.vibramfivefingers.com/indexNA.cfm

Cost: $70.00

Rating: 1 out of 10

Thank God for shoes! They both protect our feet AND shield our eyes from what I consider to be the body’s least attractive area. For those of you who do not know me, I have battled a major foot phobia for most of my life. I believe this is the very reason I am so into shoes. Heels, specifically. Any item that can take something so ugly, shroud it in leather, suede, or sparkles and wind up looking beautiful is FABULOUS in my book.  

Which brings me to…….. the foot shoe. The foot shoe is a child of necessity. Being someone who enjoys the outdoors greatly, I have watched many people doing mountain activities that would benefit from a shoe like this. Last week on a camping trip, I watched a group of people repel down a waterfall. Most of them were in regular tennis shoes – but I would guess they might have benefited from the use of their toes. In fact, I can think of MANY outdoor activities where people need covering to protect their feet, but still need to move around as if they are barefoot. All this being said – how COOL that the geniuses at Vibram invented the Five Finger Foot Shoe!

But this blog does not end there. Recently, I was waiting for a table at The Olde Spaghetti Factory in Monrovia, CA, when two men walked out of the restaurant, one of whom was WEARING THE FOOT SHOES!!! Ladies and gentlemen, do not, I repeat, DO NOT wear these shoes anywhere that regular shoes would suffice. They are utility shoes – meant to serve a specific purpose for outdoor sports. They do not belong in a Spaghetti Factory any more than a pair of ice skates.

The bottom line: the foot shoe is butt ugly and should only be worn under the limited circumstances that require them. If you are taking a stroll around town in your foot shoes and I see you, I may point and laugh in front of your face. Consider yourself warned.

This has been – Things I wouldn’t be caught dead in, unless I’m in the mountains scaling a large cliff.

Ciao!

~ Mir

Buy This, Not That.

Items: Chloe Chain Flower Flat, Silvia Fiorentina Rosette Wedge
Found: Bergdorf Goodman Shoe Salon
Prices: Chloe Flat – $495.00, Silvia Flat – $655.00
Rating: Hot out of 10, Horrendous out of 10

I’d like to begin by apologizing for the length of this post. For those of you brave enough to comment that you read all the way through, I promise that when I am wealthy I will have t-shirts made that say “I Survived Miriam’s Inability to Shut-up and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt.” (Eric, you don’t have to read the blog – you automatically win a lifetime supply of these shirts.)

This blog is entitled “Buy This, Not That” (which is, incidentally, a great idea for a series of blogs! *strokes chin*). I frequent the online shoe departments of many high-end stores – especially at the start of spring and fall, when designers launch their new lines. Bergdorf Goodman is where I came across these two specimens: Both flats. Both nude. Both embellished with a single flower. Yet somehow they manage to be about as similar as Chuck Norris and Clay Aiken.

Specimen 1: Chloe Flat (pictured left)

Let’s take a little trip into the shoe-loving mind of Miriam Bernard: 1. Heels – If I could wear a different pair every day for the rest of my life, I would. Someday, I plan to. For now I rotate between about 42 pairs. I would say that I love them all the same, but I definitely play favorites. 2. Flats – I own roughly 10 pairs of flats. I wear only one. When I find that one pair of perfect flats, they become the equivalent of house slippers. They go with everything – and even if they don’t, I MAKE them go with everything.

First, it was a black satin pair with rainbow-ish embroidery. Got ‘em at Ross in college. I wore those suckers every day for a year I’d bet. I still have them. ☺ Then it was this white faux-leather pair with a gold chain across the toe. I debated even buying them at the shop, thinking I wouldn’t wear them. However, upon discovering they were five bucks, I decided that even if I wore them once, they’d be worth it. Well, it turns out those little guys took me all over town, all over New York, and I wore the soles so thin that I now feel barefoot when I wear them. Not to mention they are now gray. Most recently, it was my navy Tory Burch knock-offs which have been spoken of in many a blog posting. They now have gaping holes large enough to poke my finger through, and that is all I will say before I get emotional.

So, if I had $500 buckaroonies to blow at this moment, these nude Chloes would be my next “uniform” flat. Obviously, nude goes with everything (That’s what she said. LOL.), but the little flower made out of a chain is just so darling in an ironic sort of way. That shoe would go with a dress, with jeans, shorts, LITERALLY everything. Versatility, man. You can’t top it.

Specimen 2: Silvia Fiorentina Flat (Pictured right)

Let me start by saying, I might be 23 and love fashion, but I am not one of those trendy OC fashionistas who sneers at anyone not wearing a Juicy Couture track suit. In fact, I don’t even like words with –ista at the end of them, and I don’t even like track suits. I have been to my fair share of nursing homes and I see what those sweet ladies wear. But I promise you, no 95 year old woman I have EVER seen has been wearing a shoe this terrible.

Here is my only rationalization for the reason this shoe exists:
Once upon a time, Silvia Fiorentina had broken her leg. One day, she sat at her drafting table at 4:52pm, with “designer’s block”, and her dazed stare caused her eyes to fall on the crutches propped up against the wall. She saw that nude-colored pad on the top of the crutch, and SUDDENLY, like MAGIC, that crutch pad morphed into a shoe. It was either the shot of espresso or the crack she had snorted in the bathroom a few hours prior, but there it was nonetheless. “GENIUS!” she exclaimed. “But… would anyone wear it?? Ahh, it’s 5pm. What the hay….” *scribble scribble scribble*. She adjusted her bifocals and looked at her sketch. Too plain. 4:59pm. Silvia scribbled a rosette on top of the crutch pad shoe. She placed her pencil in the pencil holder, set her design in the “manufacture” tray, with a note on the page that said “Send to Bergdorf”. She picked up her quilted Chanel bag and went home. The End.

What a sad day that was.

This has been a dual blog of both “Things I Want But Can’t Afford” and “Things I Would Not Be Caught Dead In, Even If Someone Paid Me One Million Dollars”. Ciao!

Love, Miriam

Lord, Help Us All.

Item: Silence and Noise Button Front Jumper
Found: http://www.urbanoutfitters.com
Price: $68.00
Rating: AHHHHHHH!!!! (Out of 10)

I set out in search of my newest blog item and decided tonight to browse good ol’ Urban Outfitters. Little did I know that somewhere along the way, Urban Outfitters (and their bestie, American Apparel) met up with Doc Brown, hopped in the DeLorean and traveled back to November 5th, 1985.

THIS JUMPER stopped me in my tracks and my dear husband and I laughed for a good four minutes as we studied every DISASTROUS view of this garment. Each perspective is so rich, in fact, that this is the first blog I have included multiple angles of the same piece of clothing. Only when you see all three views will you comprehend just how sexy the female figure can really be.

I actually think this model might have asked for the photo to be cut off at the nose so her identity would never be revealed. She seems like a nice enough girl. Why would Urban Outfitters punish her so? I guess some people just get dealt a bad hand in life. Let’s all take a moment to pray for Ms. Anonymous Model and this Button Front Jumper. They have fallen into the hands of Satan and only God Himself can help them now.

Be sure you study all three photos to receive the full effect of this snazzy item! Warning: You may become aroused and consequently stumble into uncontrollable temptation.

~ Mir

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